video; un: jjones

[slackbeard]

[Looks like there’s a particularly lanky teenager wearing a really dumb looking hat hanging out at the food court in the shopping center.]

I’m not gonna waste anyone’s time by going whoa hey wow outer space! Despite the fact that I'm feeling a little of that cosmic insignificance right now, and also kinda wishing I knew literally anything about space? I don’t even have a strong opinion on Pluto being a dwarf planet. That’s where I’m at, space-wise.

But nah, you've heard it all before. Instead, I’ve just got one question for the rest of you— [And he turns the camera to give everyone a flawless view of his beautiful creation. Work was boring! He has to express himself somehow!]

Anybody wanna eat my face?

Comments

Video | un:NEKOMARU!NIDAI!

[nodyinteam]

Your face looks delicious!! I'll eat it whole!

[slackbeard]

Finally, somebody with taste! Can I interest you in a leg as well?

[nodyinteam]

Ha! It's a tempting offer... but that would be pushing my diet much too far! Your face will treat me just enough!

[slackbeard]

You're really gonna diet while we're in the middle of space? C'mon, man. Let yourself live!

[nodyinteam]

I do plenty of living as it is! I don't care if I'm in space or at the bottom of the ocean. No matter what, a team manager's diet is sacred! [He also has health reasons, but that's something he keeps on the extreme down low.]

[slackbeard]

Team manager, huh? What're you managing? [He asks, like he knows anything about sportsballs.]

[nodyinteam]

Ha! A lot of teams. I'm no ordinary team manager... I'm a super high school level team manager! I've worked with a number of talented young teams and athletes for almost every type of sport!

[slackbeard]

Sooo... gym teacher.

[nodyinteam]

A- a gym teacher?! Take that back!! [It shouldn't be that insulting...]

[slackbeard]

[That low blow was even lower a blow than he thought it would be.]

You gotta admit that's what your resume sounds like!

[nodyinteam]

It's entirely different! And that's barely even the first sentence of my resume!

Gym teachers are valuable parts of our society, but putting them on the same level as team managers is like comparing apples and oranges... organic oranges!!

[slackbeard]

But are the apples still just the regular, non-organic kind of apple? And are you the organic orange? Does that make the teams you manage the... seeds? The orange peel?

[nodyinteam]

Your right on the first two counts! But I was thinking the teams would be more like... the people who consume the fruits!

[slackbeard]

That has some weird coach-slash-manager sacrificial imagery that does not make team sports sound more appealing to me.

[nodyinteam]

It just means that a manager has to be ready to give his all for his athletes!! You just don't understand... YOU NEED TO SHOW SOME SPIRIT!!

[slackbeard]

That is both terrifying and also weirdly inspiring. [He's intimidated, but also, would follow this guy into the depths of dodgeball hell.] Too bad there aren't any sports team in space!

...right? Please tell me I'm right or else I feel like I just accidentally signed myself up for an intergalactic baseball team.

[nodyinteam]

[That's exactly the correct reaction to him.]

You're right! There aren't any sports in outer space.

[A pause. Light comes into his expression, as if something hits him, a divine epiphany that Jughead is solely responsible for.]

...But there could be!!

[slackbeard]

[What has he done.]

...orrrr there could... not be? How can you sports in space, dude. You break one window and we'll all be sucked into the empty blackness.

[nodyinteam]

Gahaha! To be sucked out into the void of space in the middle of an intense game?! Now that's one of the manliest ends I could wish for!

But don't you worry, Burger Face. I won't let it come to that.

I'LL STAKE MY PRIDE AS A TEAM MANAGER ON IIITTT!

[slackbeard]

That's so comforting to hear. I'm so comforted! The yelling about your pride, that's what really helps.

[nodyinteam]

What would a team manager be without pride?

But in case you thought that was completely serious, just know that I wouldn't let my athletes take a risk like that! Luckily, there's a number of areas in the interior of the ship where we won't have to worry about windows!

[slackbeard]

Is it the command deck? I hope you're gonna play football on the command deck.

[nodyinteam]

Ha! Now that would be a sight! It's about time that sports took control of this ship... But really, I'm pretty sure that parts of the training facility should fit the bill!

[slackbeard]

There's a what now. [A thing he hasn't bothered to look at, at all.] --okay well whatever it is, that sounds like an ideal place to put sports. Quarantine the sports.

[nodyinteam]

You don't know about the training facility?! Then you should get a tour... a first hand tour!! I'll even let you sample all of the toughest exercise machines!