√1 ( video | un: ROOT )

[symbiosys]

[It's late afternoon, and the ship's gardens come into view as the video feed starts, a massive topiary tree standing innocently in the background just waiting to be shaped into a work of art. The camera focuses on what appears to be a drone hovering in midair, the words BIRCH PLEASE 2.0 written on the side, identifying the flying object.]

I'm bored.

[Root sighs in an exaggerated manner. The drone flies up to the tree and begins its work of shaping the topiary, but no blades are involved: it's using various targeted laser beams, carefully programmed by the (usually perky) hacker hiding behind the camera.]

Don't get me wrong, it's not my first time being a gardener, and I do enjoy using laser tools and having a legitimate excuse for bad pick-up lines, [she explains, keeping the camera pointed at the beautiful and deadly ballet of various lasers shaping branches and leaves.] But it's just not the same as hacking, you know?

[The drone retreats after it finishes its task: shaping the topiary into an exact replica of the ISC Eluvio. As exact as topiary can ever be, that is.]

So I thought I might as well turn my boredom into something productive. Tell me, space friends, is there an app or program you'd just love to have? Maybe you want an upgraded fitbit that is perfectly adapted to all of your outer space needs, maybe you want to spend your day looking at cat videos, or maybe you just really like puzzles... the possibilities are endless. Just like the vast expanse of space that surrounds us.

Whatever you're thinking of, I can code it for you! [She sounds downright cheerful and friendly now.] For a small fee, of course. I’m a nice girl but I'm not that nice.

Comments

[slackbeard]

experience like fighting a world taken over by hostile AI or experience like you invented SIRI?


[Either way: cool as hell.]

[symbiosys]

I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

[Root does her best to sound friendly; she doesn't want him to think she's a killer, that would be terrible.

(She was her world's most elite assassin up until a few years ago, but she's one of the good guys now, she swears.)]

[slackbeard]

[She doesn't SOUND like a killer, but also he's in space and they're on a spaceship and literally anything is possible now.]

fine, be that way!

so how much is this gonna cost huh? because I make burger flipper money and most of that goes to more burgers

public » private

[symbiosys]

[And that's why she's so good at what she does. Or did-- is technically still doing, sorta, except for the whole 'killing people' part. She's perfect for undercover work, okay.]

Why don't you just smuggle some of the burgers you make?

[Aaand she's switching the thread from PUBLIC to PRIVATE. Root sends a text file to his device with the estimate price tag. It's not cheap, not exactly, but it's a lot less than most programmers would charge under normal circumstances. She's that bored.]

There you go. But if you'd rather save your money for legally acquiring more burgers, I'm willing to make a special offer and exchange Space Yelp for favors instead of actual money.

[slackbeard]

who says I don't? can't smuggle too many or they get suspicious

[Back in his room he lets out a low whistle. He wasn't kidding about his serious lack of funds-- plus Dilton always did this stuff for free, so how was he supposed to know that this stuff takes respectable cash! Sigh. ]

favors it is! I love barter economies

my skills include food making, food eating, video games, and overthrowing CIA takeovers in high schools.

[symbiosys]

Better be careful, in that case.

[The truth is that Root could have done all of this for free anyway-- it honestly won't take that much time-- but she'd never miss the opportunity to get someone to owe her something: you never know when you're gonna need to cash in a few favors in an unfamiliar world, after all.]

That's very specific. CIA takeovers in high schools, really?

[slackbeard]

yeah. long story! short version is that they were using it as a super spy training program and it was uncool.

[symbiosys]

Sounds like fun. I wish my high school years had been that interesting.

[To be fair, she was already a hacker for hire and sometimes assassin by then, but school itself was mindnumbingly boring.]

[slackbeard]

you didn't miss much. unless you really wanted to suffer in gym class and learn how to use drones.

which doesn't sound like a lesson you needed from an official source, js!

what with your whole laser gardening mastery here.

[symbiosys]

[She makes a noise that sounds a lot like 'ugh' when he mentions gym class.]

What can I say? I'm a girl of many talents. Shaping topiary with lasers is a recently acquired skill, though.

[slackbeard]

[And in that moment he felt a deep kinship with her.]

good to know you're using your time here productively

but for real just send me a message if you need something. there's not a lot I wouldn't do for space yelp, except murder and arson

[symbiosys]

[If only more people understood that gym class is the work of the devil.]

We have a deal, then! I'll start working on space yelp right away. And don't worry: I don't need any help with either of those things.

[Root no]