eluvio | √1 ( video

[It's late afternoon, and the ship's gardens come into view as the video feed starts, a massive topiary tree standing innocently in the background just waiting to be shaped into a work of art. The camera focuses on what appears to be a drone hovering in midair, the words BIRCH PLEASE 2.0 written on the side, identifying the flying object.]

I'm bored.

[Root sighs in an exaggerated manner. The drone flies up to the tree and begins its work of shaping the topiary, but no blades are involved: it's using various targeted laser beams, carefully programmed by the (usually perky) hacker hiding behind the camera.]

Don't get me wrong, it's not my first time being a gardener, and I do enjoy using laser tools and having a legitimate excuse for bad pick-up lines, [she explains, keeping the camera pointed at the beautiful and deadly ballet of various lasers shaping branches and leaves.] But it's just not the same as hacking, you know?

[The drone retreats after it finishes its task: shaping the topiary into an exact replica of the ISC Eluvio. As exact as topiary can ever be, that is.]

So I thought I might as well turn my boredom into something productive. Tell me, space friends, is there an app or program you'd just love to have? Maybe you want an upgraded fitbit that is perfectly adapted to all of your outer space needs, maybe you want to spend your day looking at cat videos, or maybe you just really like puzzles... the possibilities are endless. Just like the vast expanse of space that surrounds us.

Whatever you're thinking of, I can code it for you! [She sounds downright cheerful and friendly now.] For a small fee, of course. I’m a nice girl but I'm not that nice.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Somehow, she manages to keep a straight* voice while replying.]

Sure thing. What's on your mind? Grindr?

[*That is the only thing about her that's straight. Root is almost too gay to function.]

[ He is laughing to himself about this. Why didn't he do video? ]

2 limiting dont u think?? i mean theres more than just dudes here mayb some ladies want 2 hook up 2 if ppl wanna touch their dicks 2gether thats ok if ppl wanna scissor thats ok 2 if ppl wanna do it ye olde fashioned way thats ok 2 inclusive, man

[That sound you just heard is a very unladylike snort, followed by a quiet cough as Root quickly regains her composure. She isn't used to people being as terrible as she is.]

You're right, being inclusive is very important. When you only swipe right on women, you kinda forget that different people can play for different teams.

What will it be, then? Tinder, Feeld, Ashley Madison...?

[ Welcome to the jungle, Root. ]

hey man sometimes u gotta keep ur options open

[ Not that he's racing to the finish line to catch a dick in his mouth ( or ass for that matter ), but he knows that sex is sex and who gives a fuck who you fuck. Sometimes sex is just sex. And who doesn't like sex??!?!?!?! ]

i only kno what 2 of those r tinder yea? that does both havin more than 1 pic is nice 2 could space theme those buttons 2 u kno like a fuckin rocket 4 yea and idk a black hole (lol) 4 no

[She's feeling right at home.]

Your options and your legs, am I right?

[Sex is pretty great, Root definitely agrees. She's far too amused by their conversation, even if she's never used a dating app outside of working undercover missions; as it is, this girl is-- gasp!-- hopelessly devoted to the love of her life, and boringly monogamous as a result.]

I like your idea, but how about... [She 'hmm's, seemingly deep in thought.] If you swipe right, your rocket lands on a planet, but if you swipe left, it goes straight into a black hole? I'm sure Freud would appreciate all of that.

lmfao omg love it ur gr8

[ Hey. Monogamy is cool! Jason just doesn't really have that kind of relationship to inspire hopeless devotion. He'd like it, though. One day when everything lines up just right. ]

u could call it deep space or sth deepr lol lol

Why thank you, I also think I'm pretty great.

[Being humble? What's what? Root sounds quite happy with herself as she says that, having known for many years now that she's pretty awesome.

Being this hopelessly devoted and in love with someone is... complicated, to say the least. It's bittersweet and all-consuming and really fucking amazing, and Root can't get enough of it. And while most couples would eventually fall into boring sex routines, she has been #blessed to have a girlfriend that is just as kinky as she is.]

That is terrible, I love it. Got any other brilliant name suggestions?

[ Being humble is for losers. Or whatever. Own your greatness!!

But, okay, he's thinking about this. Give him a few. ]

man idk suprnova pulsar or i guess pulsr to go w/ the dropped vowel eclipse solar/solr ???

[It absolutely is for losers. Being a cocky little shit is way too much fun.]

I don't know, those are just too innocent. An app like this needs a suggestive name.

How about Prober? You know, based on the eyewitness accounts of people who were abducted by aliens.

[Root no]

[ Somewhere in the living quarters, Jason is laughing his fucking ass off to the point he's probably heard through the walls. He's that loud. ]

do it omfg do it

[Just as planned.]

Well, since you asked so nicely...

[She sends him a file with the total cost and switches the security from PUBLIC to PRIVATE.]

Now, for the less pleasant part of this exchange: please choose your payment method. Will you pay up or just owe me a favor?

lol less pleasant b real this is the best part 4 u isn't it??

[ Surprise. Jason isn't actually as dumb as he types. He knows shit. ]

gimmie a day or 2 and i'll hit u back w/ this amt

Of course it is, but I have to look professional. Most people prefer it when the person they're buying a service from doesn't act like they're only in it for the money.

[Root prefers smart people, even if that means she can't get away with as many things as she'd like. You're cool, bro.]

Sure thing! Don't keep me waiting too long.

√1 ( video | un: ROOT )

audio; un: ROOT (I am so sorry)

pls don't be i am sorry for this already

LMAO omg don't be sorry, I love it!!

it'll get worse before it gets better...

Just the way I like it tbh

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