eluvio | [Video] UN: Komaeda

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[Video] UN: Komaeda

[The video starts with a close up of Komaeda's face as he's messing with the settings. It's advanced technology he's not familiar with, but it didn't take him long to get it going. Nothing ever takes him long to figure out when he tries.

He leans away and offers a smile, but it's a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. He's tired. There's a weight there. People who are familiar with him might notice it's a little less carefree than he usually is. But then it's only to be expected.]

Hello! This is quite the interesting thing to be suddenly rushed through. They said anomalies were the cause, but isn't that a bit curious? "Anomaly" is such a vague term. It's the sort of thing you see on TV used to hand wave fantastical concepts they don't want the audience to think of too much. So is there something not being explained here?

[Of course he barrels straight to the delicate question.]

But, what do I know? There's a lot of surprising things happening all at once. In fact, at this point I wouldn't be surprised if I was told we were in some sort of MMO! Being in some sort of elaborate program would make more sense than not anyway.

[He goes quiet for a moment, his expression far away lost in thought. It takes him a moment to remember the camera and go back to his train of thought.]

Ah, since I was just recently welcomed to this little expedition, I should introduce myself. My name is Komaeda Nagito. There's not really anything else to say, I'm a bit luckier than most people?

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Bothering? Not at all! Why would anything bother me?

[His tone went low at his last few words. A clear contradiction. Not that he was going to share it openly, not any time soon at the very least. If peopke wanted such details they could figure then out themselves.

But, before continuing he had to pause, to really look at the video. It was Nanami... and yet... there was something different he couldn't quite place. Well, ignoring the different username!]

But before you think there's a reason to care about the feelings and wellbeing of trash, is it safe to say you're the other Nanami that has been mentioned to me?

Edited 2017-03-11 23:02 (UTC)

No... There is something, isn't there? [She knows how Komaeda is, though, even if something about him is a little... different right now.] But... If it's something that you don't want to talk about it, I understand.

[Nanami wants to tell him "You're not trash," as she's wanted to in the past but never has before. Maybe she should change that while they're stuck here, but she knows it's probably something to not jump into right away. But-] Ah... You must've spoken to Nanami-san before me, then?

But yes... For some reason there's two of us. It's another confusing thing we've been trying to figure out, but... Even if it doesn't make a lot of sense, Nanami-san is a really good person.

I know she is.

[He completely ignored the statement about what may or may not be wrong, even the offer to understand him not talking about it.]

I know her decently well. So I'm curious, how are you different from each other?

[Figuring out that would answer why.]

Ah, then you must be... You're different from me the way Hinata-kun and Nanami-san are.

[Not her Komaeda after all, then... But she's still worried about him and glad to see him regardless.]

A lot of things we're still discovering, but... She's better at video games than I am. [She says that with a pleased sort of pride for the other Nanami. She'd never lost before they started playing games together.] She also gets more sleepy than I do, and some things she doesn't understand, like certain holidays.

Also... [She thinks about how to phrase it for a moment, then continues.] We seem to have different memories. I thought it might be that all of you are from a different universe, like in a game, but... We still don't know.

Well, different memories is simple, since we should all be missing about three years or so. At least all of our school memories and a bit more!

But, a different universe would explain two of you, at least.

[But he had his doubts, because there was a small something in the back of his mind, he would put it together soon at least. Well, depending on what people might tell him maybe he would put it together instantly!]

But, you're not completely wrong, we were in a game!

[...Huh?]

...Komaeda-kun?

[Confused... She's really, really confused.]

I... have my memories from school, though. I'm pretty sure I haven't forgotten anything. Are you saying that... you don't remember anything from your time at school? At all?

[Did this Komaeda play games with her and the others?

If he did, has he forgotten all of it...?]

And how did you end up in a game? [Because that's just as concerning as everything else.]

That's correct, I can't remember anything from then. All of my school memories are gone.

But, I know I went to school. And... well, I'm not quite sure of the "how", I think they uploaded our minds to a computer?

That's sort of interesting when you think of it that way.

They uploaded your minds to a computer, huh... [Could technology like that exist in her world, too? It sounds like something straight out of a sci-fi game, but... What if it's possible...?] The people that did that to you - did they take away your memories too, or was that from something else?

[Unsettling... This is all unsettling. There's something that nags at her, like a bad feeling, but Nanami ignores it. She can't figure anything out until she learns more.]

Oh they were definitely the ones to take our memories. I'm pretty sure they just uploaded the parts before school started.

But, it's probably better we can't remember it.

[He couldn't help but sigh at the thought. Did he really want to remember whatever it was that happened? Whoever it was he turned into?]

Komaeda-kun, no, that's... That has to be wrong!

[Something wells up in her chest, sharp and painful. Komaeda playing the party game with the boys flashes in her mind, and it hurts worse.]

I don't know if there's something weird going on with me and the rest of you... I don't know if this is like a game and I'm from an alternate universe, or if it's simply just a matter of some or all of us losing memories...

But if you are my Komaeda-kun, or if there's anything remotely like the memories my Komaeda-kun has... I know we have some good memories together!

We don't always include you like we should... That's my fault, probably. Maybe I'm just a bad class representative... [Nanami swallows hard, blinking fast.] But you played games together with us... There were times that you laughed and it wasn't forced the way you do sometimes. Even if it wasn't every moments, there were times that you were together with us and you were happy!

So please... I don't know whatever it is that you've been through, but please don't say things like that. [She squeezes her eyes shut, even though Komaeda won't be able to see that.] I know that... I'm not good at being friends with people still... But the time we spent together isn't something that's better forgotten!

[That actually gives him pause. He hadn't been expecting to hear about how he was with the rest of the class. He wouldn't have expected to hear he had participated in any activities with everyone else. But... something had definitely happened. He didn't believe there was an alternate universe at work here, there was something off about that idea to him. He would figure it out though. He would figure out how they all fit together somehow.]

You shouldn't blame yourself if I'm not included in things, it's only the way things should be. You know, when I got the acceptance letter I tried to turn it down. They wouldn't let me, but that doesn't change that I'm not really worthy of being around such great people. And if anything had happened because of me... that would have been a tragedy....

[And then he thought of something for the first time, a pain struck him in the chest from the idea. What if... what if whatever happened to them had been his fault... because he was even there?]

But... something happened to us, during school or shortly after. But I'm glad to know that at least Nanami san [Though he was talking about both of them here] is pure.

...No. That's wrong.

[Nanami draws herself up even though it's only her voice coming through. Tries to make herself sound firm, but not too forceful.]

Yukizome-sensei and everyone... All of you chose me to be the representative. It's my responsibility to take care of you all. If you're like this... Where something bad has happened even if you don't want to tell me what it is... Then I haven't done what I'm supposed to. [And her voice drops into something softer.] So I am sorry, Komaeda-kun... I can't fix whatever happened. But I'll try to be better now, even if I'm still learning... Both how to be a class rep, and also how to be a good friend.

[It's probably good he can't see her face, because otherwise he'd see Nanami's face dust with pink.] I... really don't know if I'm pure or anything special like that. I'm just me. Nanami Chiaki.

I... want to ask, though...

[She hesitates. Wonders if she should say it or not, and remembers Hinata's gentle words to her. "Nanami, it's okay to have brought that up. It's just too much right now. That's all. We can talk more about it once we sort out a few things about this place."

Nanami takes a breath, and decides.]

What happened to us? [A puzzle piece slotted into place. Uncertain but concerned.] Is it... the reason you have that heaviness in your eyes?

I have no idea what happened to us, exactly. It's still a mystery.

[He would have argued that there wasn't anything she needed to do, that any further trying would probably just upset her, but he left it alone. There were other things to focus on. Of course answers to that would also upset her, but the answer came before he even thought of that. Not that he thought of it after saying anything either.]

And, I suppose it's only normal to look this way after you have died.

Though, it didn't really take, did it? Since I'm here.

[Nanami was going to say something. She's sure she was. But... But-

Wh-what... What...?

Is this happening?

Is it a bad dream?]

Komaeda...kun...?

[It feels like someone has sucked all of the air out of her lungs. This can't be happening. It can't... She can see Komaeda. He's talking to her. He can't be dead- He can't be dead-!]

Wh-what... What happened to you? That can't be right, not if you're here talking to me- so what- [Nanami stops. Takes a breath. She's breathing too fast. She has to calm down...] ...How could you be dead if I'm talking to you right now?

Hmmm, well, I might not be dead for real. Since I died in a simulation. Though, the chance to end up brain dead is rather high when you believe it happened, or experience it in a convincing way. Since I haven't woken up from it, who knows which is which? I woke up here instead, the same as before. I suppose in a way it's like an unknown state. The truth won't be known until observed. For the moment both possibilities exist at the same time.

Other potentials are that right now I might simply be a digital copy of myself. It's a bit strange, isn't it? And in that case whatever the state of my original body doesn't matter.

But don't worry... it wasn't sudden, it was very well planned.

But still... Still, t-to even experience it...!

[She squeezes her eyes shut tight against the burning and moisture. There's more, more she should say and wants to say, but she doesn't know if she can stem the tide of her tears if she tries.

But... Nanami can't even imagine it. Was he suffering? Did it hurt badly?]

Why weren't any of us there to help you, to save you? Who planned this? [She makes a choked noise, has to force back tears that want to spill.] Who did this to you...?!

It's fine, it's only me.

[It wasn't fine, but if he said it enough times it would become true. His conviction had been set, and no matter what the past can't be changed. It didn't matter that the more he thought about it, dwelled on it, the more it hurt to think about.]

It was my own plan... so please don't get upset. I simply made it so I could be a stepping stone for Hope. Though, it would have been nice if it could have been more.

N-no... It's not fine... It's not fine at all...!

[Nothing about this could ever possibly be fine. Nanami understands why Komaeda is saying it; that's just his way. But under no circumstances will she ever be okay with the fact this happened-

She stops. Feels like someone squeezing her heart and her lungs as she registers who is responsible.

Nanami thought it couldn't get any worse. And then it did.]

Komaeda-kun, you... Are you saying you... k-killed yourself?

It's a bit more complicated than that... but... ultimately yes. However, it was for a just and greater good! My life isn't worth that much anyway, so such a small sacrifice is more than worthwhile.

No! [She feels the tears finally rolls down her face when she yells. Nanami's voice is almost always soft, but she's at the loudest she ever gets now.] There can't possibly be anything good about that! You aren't a small sacrifice. Because you-!

[She breaks off, almost biting her lip. Because she can't say what she was going to. You matter to us. It makes something twist painfully in her chest, but she knows it might be a lie. When Komaeda goes off on his drawn out talks about "hope", Nanami usually only glances at him and smiles, but... She knows her classmates. They groan and get aggravated. Distance themselves.

The tears fall faster. If she'd done something... If she'd talked to him more, would he have not felt driven to do something like take his own life?

So it brings a little red to her face, and costs something great for her to say. But she lets the words fall from her lips.] You... mean something to me, Komaeda-kun. It's not something small to me at all, because... You're my friend.

Even if it's just a "simulation", or whatever you ended up in... I'd be really sad if you died.

[He can't help but blink a bit taken back by her words. He never thought someone would ever say that, and even if he wasn't familiar with this Nanami she was with him. And at some point perhaps he was familiar with her.

The fear rises within however, a moment of concern. What if something happens to her...?]

Nanami san....

[She bows her head, let's her hair cover her eyes. Nanami doesn't trust her voice not to shake, but knows she has to get these words out anyway.]

I'm sorry, Komaeda-kun... I'm sorry if I'm saying too much. I... might not be the Nanami you know. And you might not exactly be the Komaeda-kun I know, but- you're like him, so much. You don't care about yourself enough. You pretend everything's fine when it isn't. You smile when it hurts, and maybe especially then. [She lifts her head, tears lingering on her lashes.] I'm not good at using words. But I can see things. I see you, Komaeda-kun.

I don't... know if you ever met Hinata-kun, but the Hinata-kun back home told me something the last time I saw him. Something no one else had ever told me before.

[She swallows hard. Her throat feels scratchy; she never talks this much.

But Nanami doesn't know if she's ever been upset like this before in her whole life.]

He told me... that I was good at more than just games. And even if it surprised me, it made me so happy. And one thing I thought was... "If Hinata-kun is right, I can be a good friend to him. I can be a good class rep to everyone. I can be there for all of the people that I love."

But, for some reason, I wasn't there for you when I should've been. [Her voice shakes again.] I wasn't there for you when it mattered most.

So please... Please, while we're stuck in this place... Komaeda-kun, please let me be there for you like I should've been.

[He wasn't sure what to do, she was hitting so close to home. She was... right. To think someone would have ever noticed the things he tried to hide so hard. There was an understanding there he wasn't sure what to do with. Hadn't he been looking for someone to understand? But what she understood was only a part, but it was a part he tried so hard to hide that it was impressive in and of its own. She had paid attention to someone who should have been ignored.

He lacked anything proper to reply with, so instead of focused on Hinata instead of himself. It was easier that way.]

I know Hinata kun, he's an amazing person, and I'm not surprised he told you something like that. I'm glad that you knew him as well.

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[Video] UN: Komaeda

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probably should've done this a long time ago, sorry, but cw: suicide

cw: suicide

cw: suicide

cw: suicide

cw: suicide

cw: suicide