eluvio | [Video] UN: Komaeda

[The video starts with a close up of Komaeda's face as he's messing with the settings. It's advanced technology he's not familiar with, but it didn't take him long to get it going. Nothing ever takes him long to figure out when he tries.

He leans away and offers a smile, but it's a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. He's tired. There's a weight there. People who are familiar with him might notice it's a little less carefree than he usually is. But then it's only to be expected.]

Hello! This is quite the interesting thing to be suddenly rushed through. They said anomalies were the cause, but isn't that a bit curious? "Anomaly" is such a vague term. It's the sort of thing you see on TV used to hand wave fantastical concepts they don't want the audience to think of too much. So is there something not being explained here?

[Of course he barrels straight to the delicate question.]

But, what do I know? There's a lot of surprising things happening all at once. In fact, at this point I wouldn't be surprised if I was told we were in some sort of MMO! Being in some sort of elaborate program would make more sense than not anyway.

[He goes quiet for a moment, his expression far away lost in thought. It takes him a moment to remember the camera and go back to his train of thought.]

Ah, since I was just recently welcomed to this little expedition, I should introduce myself. My name is Komaeda Nagito. There's not really anything else to say, I'm a bit luckier than most people?

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I have no idea what happened to us, exactly. It's still a mystery.

[He would have argued that there wasn't anything she needed to do, that any further trying would probably just upset her, but he left it alone. There were other things to focus on. Of course answers to that would also upset her, but the answer came before he even thought of that. Not that he thought of it after saying anything either.]

And, I suppose it's only normal to look this way after you have died.

Though, it didn't really take, did it? Since I'm here.

[Nanami was going to say something. She's sure she was. But... But-

Wh-what... What...?

Is this happening?

Is it a bad dream?]

Komaeda...kun...?

[It feels like someone has sucked all of the air out of her lungs. This can't be happening. It can't... She can see Komaeda. He's talking to her. He can't be dead- He can't be dead-!]

Wh-what... What happened to you? That can't be right, not if you're here talking to me- so what- [Nanami stops. Takes a breath. She's breathing too fast. She has to calm down...] ...How could you be dead if I'm talking to you right now?

Hmmm, well, I might not be dead for real. Since I died in a simulation. Though, the chance to end up brain dead is rather high when you believe it happened, or experience it in a convincing way. Since I haven't woken up from it, who knows which is which? I woke up here instead, the same as before. I suppose in a way it's like an unknown state. The truth won't be known until observed. For the moment both possibilities exist at the same time.

Other potentials are that right now I might simply be a digital copy of myself. It's a bit strange, isn't it? And in that case whatever the state of my original body doesn't matter.

But don't worry... it wasn't sudden, it was very well planned.

But still... Still, t-to even experience it...!

[She squeezes her eyes shut tight against the burning and moisture. There's more, more she should say and wants to say, but she doesn't know if she can stem the tide of her tears if she tries.

But... Nanami can't even imagine it. Was he suffering? Did it hurt badly?]

Why weren't any of us there to help you, to save you? Who planned this? [She makes a choked noise, has to force back tears that want to spill.] Who did this to you...?!

It's fine, it's only me.

[It wasn't fine, but if he said it enough times it would become true. His conviction had been set, and no matter what the past can't be changed. It didn't matter that the more he thought about it, dwelled on it, the more it hurt to think about.]

It was my own plan... so please don't get upset. I simply made it so I could be a stepping stone for Hope. Though, it would have been nice if it could have been more.

N-no... It's not fine... It's not fine at all...!

[Nothing about this could ever possibly be fine. Nanami understands why Komaeda is saying it; that's just his way. But under no circumstances will she ever be okay with the fact this happened-

She stops. Feels like someone squeezing her heart and her lungs as she registers who is responsible.

Nanami thought it couldn't get any worse. And then it did.]

Komaeda-kun, you... Are you saying you... k-killed yourself?

It's a bit more complicated than that... but... ultimately yes. However, it was for a just and greater good! My life isn't worth that much anyway, so such a small sacrifice is more than worthwhile.

No! [She feels the tears finally rolls down her face when she yells. Nanami's voice is almost always soft, but she's at the loudest she ever gets now.] There can't possibly be anything good about that! You aren't a small sacrifice. Because you-!

[She breaks off, almost biting her lip. Because she can't say what she was going to. You matter to us. It makes something twist painfully in her chest, but she knows it might be a lie. When Komaeda goes off on his drawn out talks about "hope", Nanami usually only glances at him and smiles, but... She knows her classmates. They groan and get aggravated. Distance themselves.

The tears fall faster. If she'd done something... If she'd talked to him more, would he have not felt driven to do something like take his own life?

So it brings a little red to her face, and costs something great for her to say. But she lets the words fall from her lips.] You... mean something to me, Komaeda-kun. It's not something small to me at all, because... You're my friend.

Even if it's just a "simulation", or whatever you ended up in... I'd be really sad if you died.

[He can't help but blink a bit taken back by her words. He never thought someone would ever say that, and even if he wasn't familiar with this Nanami she was with him. And at some point perhaps he was familiar with her.

The fear rises within however, a moment of concern. What if something happens to her...?]

Nanami san....

[She bows her head, let's her hair cover her eyes. Nanami doesn't trust her voice not to shake, but knows she has to get these words out anyway.]

I'm sorry, Komaeda-kun... I'm sorry if I'm saying too much. I... might not be the Nanami you know. And you might not exactly be the Komaeda-kun I know, but- you're like him, so much. You don't care about yourself enough. You pretend everything's fine when it isn't. You smile when it hurts, and maybe especially then. [She lifts her head, tears lingering on her lashes.] I'm not good at using words. But I can see things. I see you, Komaeda-kun.

I don't... know if you ever met Hinata-kun, but the Hinata-kun back home told me something the last time I saw him. Something no one else had ever told me before.

[She swallows hard. Her throat feels scratchy; she never talks this much.

But Nanami doesn't know if she's ever been upset like this before in her whole life.]

He told me... that I was good at more than just games. And even if it surprised me, it made me so happy. And one thing I thought was... "If Hinata-kun is right, I can be a good friend to him. I can be a good class rep to everyone. I can be there for all of the people that I love."

But, for some reason, I wasn't there for you when I should've been. [Her voice shakes again.] I wasn't there for you when it mattered most.

So please... Please, while we're stuck in this place... Komaeda-kun, please let me be there for you like I should've been.

[He wasn't sure what to do, she was hitting so close to home. She was... right. To think someone would have ever noticed the things he tried to hide so hard. There was an understanding there he wasn't sure what to do with. Hadn't he been looking for someone to understand? But what she understood was only a part, but it was a part he tried so hard to hide that it was impressive in and of its own. She had paid attention to someone who should have been ignored.

He lacked anything proper to reply with, so instead of focused on Hinata instead of himself. It was easier that way.]

I know Hinata kun, he's an amazing person, and I'm not surprised he told you something like that. I'm glad that you knew him as well.

[Video] UN: Komaeda

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probably should've done this a long time ago, sorry, but cw: suicide

cw: suicide

cw: suicide

cw: suicide

cw: suicide

cw: suicide